The last time that I was “home” for Christmas was about 36 years ago. After moving away, getting back there in winter or from a distance was just never practical, so I didn’t do it. Making the journey this time was not my idea and I have to admit that I had to give it some serious thought. My brother called to tell me that our mother had tripped and as a result her arm bone pushed into her shoulder, cracking the socket or something like that. In any case she was laid up in a sling. My sweet brother sees time passing and most likely running out. I felt I owed him one.
My brother lives about an hour away from where I grew up. This is a road that I had traveled many times years ago. Now I barely remembered the way. I looked for landmarks and either didn’t see them or they weren’t where I remembered them to be.
As we approached our parent’s house where we grew up, the first thing that I noticed was that everything seemed smaller and more claustrophobic. When we were growing up, there were fields all around and now there are houses; too many houses. Dad was the last hold out and even he sold part of the property and now looks out on a commercial building with parking space. I was told that the buyer had agreed to build a camouflage or something but it didn’t happen; doesn’t look like it’s going to either. It was difficult not to feel like you were bumping into something just looking out a window. Or that the view was through a zoom lens. All of the open space and sense of freedom that I remembered as a child was gone and I felt suffocated.
The swimming pool in the back that at one time was surrounded by grass now has a chain link fence around it and is populated by dwarfs and animals and do-dads that my mother finds tasteful; imprisoned and oblivious. I could remember learning how to dive there when no one worried if anyone was going to drown. Back then it was just a swimming pool with a diving board and grass around it. Now, it too seemed smaller, incarcerated and apologetic; a victim of nanny state regulations.
We were met at the door by my youngest sister who is short and now has gotten a bit chubby, who wears lipstick that is too red, making her seem a bit like a Kewpie doll. She has always displayed an exuberance that is more than what any given situation calls for. This was no exception and long story short, she hasn’t changed much; always the antidote for any situation.
I gave a little hug to my mother and my father who didn’t pretend to think anything of my surprise arrival. My mother spoke a few banalities and my dad not much more than hello, continuing on with whatever discussion he was already engaged in.
After a bit my mother asked my brother in a rather accusing way, why he didn’t tell them about his new girlfriend. At least she knew better than to think I was his mother. He told her that he didn’t have a girlfriend. Indicating towards me with her thumb as if she was hitching a ride she asked, “Then who is that?” To which he replied, “your daughter”. She asked, “What do you mean?” In her mind all of her children were accounted for…no strays.
She turned and asked me directly who I was in a defensive tone that one would use on an intruder, and I told her that all indication is that I am one of her children. She asked what I was doing there as though my absence from family photos cancelled my existence. She is getting up there and losing vision so anything out of the norm is to be questioned.
I confirmed that indeed I am the daughter that they haven’t seen in a while. My hair is now white but other than that I haven’t changed. Perhaps they had left me in a time warp that they were comfortable with. From that moment on no one knew quite what to do or say. I kept myself busy with some wine and snacks that my sister happily provided in an effort to keep reality at bay.
I noticed that on the wall was a photo of the last time the whole family was together. It was over 20 years ago. Next to it there was another photo taken a couple of years ago at our parents’ 60th anniversary party. I wasn’t there. However there was a small photo of me, just a head shot, perfectly trimmed that had been put onto the top left corner, tucked in the frame. I was looking to my right and so were they. I had, in this way, been given a distant presence.
The inside of the house seemed smaller and full of stuff. There were more Christmas decorations than I remember; more angels, nutcracker soldiers, wise men, Santa Clauses, golden geese and the nativity that used to be populated with miniature statues in a wooden “shed” filled with straw that was built by dad, has been replaced with dwarf size beige statues, no shed, baby molded to the manger, all praying under a modern street light.
The angel on top of the tree now has her own electrical cord that lights her candle and flaps her wings. They apologized for not noticing before they got her to the top of the tree, that her batteries needed to be changed, so her multicolored lights were not flashing, leaving something to look forward to next year.
The main worry now is getting the tree back out of the house. Mom’s in a sling and dad has a bad hip. He broke it 10 years ago when he fell off the tractor, although he didn’t know it until recently when it started hurting, so sometimes he uses a cane. He is not sure how to deal with the tree but I’m sure he will come up with something as he has always been resourceful.
The fireplaces that at one time had fires burning in them were dark and cold, the Christmas music that played in the background was silent. The table once set for many was now set for a few. The abundance of food was now just a simple meal.
Dad, now somewhere in his mid 80’s, spoke as he always has about his war days. I realized that it is a story that needs to be told. It has been suggested that I set myself to writing it. His is a voice like many others that has been affected by the human condition and man’s inhumanity to man. He still cries at the thought of his best friend being blown to bits for a reason that he can’t quite put his finger on.
After a few stories our mother said “When he’s gone, I won’t have to listen to them any more”, as if she saw some sort of relief in her future. No one reacted as she has always had a way with words, only now gets to the point with fewer of them. He is probably lucky that he has replaced her as the cook.
After a while my brother decided to take me to our sister’s house. Not too much has changed there. I noticed the same dwarf size nativity. They must have gotten a twofer. My brother told my sister ahead of time that I was in tow, not that she would have acted surprised in any case.
She has a house that is always neat and clean no matter how many people are there or what they do. In my house if I’m alone and doing nothing I make a mess. If I have company I have a bigger mess. It is impossible to live life and not make a mess, or at least not leave something out of place. However, my sister defies this notion and I have no idea how. You get the feeling that there is some kind of subliminal warning that says “don’t make a mess or else”. Everyone seems to get it.
One of her kids is 6’7’ or there about and everyone has been justifying for years where he came from. He defies the family in size and scope. In any case he is the one who out of natural curiosity or something had the courage to approach me and talk. He is in finance and when I asked him questions about the financial world and how long he thinks it can defy gravity, he kept referring to what he learned in school. He is about 26 and nothing is out of kilter in his view. Everything he needs to know he learned at school in Chicago. His degree has made him an expert, experience is irrelevant. There were times when some logic got to him, which resulted in a blank stare and mumbling until we were able to move on. He was actually the most enlightening person I ran into there. My brother-in-law offered up some very nice wine. He has a special talent for acquiring good wine at no cost which tends to make him more generous.
We went back to our parent’s house after a while for dinner of prime rib and baked potatoes. It was a far cry from the Christmas dinners we grew up with. There was nothing to distinguish it from any other meal except for the centerpiece on the table.
We drove back to my brother’s house in the dark, so my mind had a rest. We stopped along the way to view a light display that was timed with the music on the radio. You simply tuned the radio in your car to the proper station and the whole place blinked in time to the music. We are no longer in awe of what man is able to create and produce, we are in awe of the entertainment he can provide. It is everywhere, competing with itself. Entertainment is everything. A Chinese friend of mine told me once that the less people have the more they like to be entertained.
Speaking of which, there is a home near my brother’s place that has lights of every kind and color; lighted candy canes and snowflakes, lights strung on bushes and eaves, trims on doorways and windows, and a bunch of stuff filling the yard. In the middle of it all is a blown up, bigger than life Santa, sitting in a chair, turning back and forth and waving. He must have worn himself out because by the time we got home from our Christmas day, he had completely deflated. I felt sorry and suggested to my brother that we pick him up. For good luck he kept driving. By the end of the following day Santa was re-inflated and waving, and we both agreed that it seemed that there were more lights and Christmas trinkets around him than we had seen the day before. It was concluded that whoever had put this display up, had taken advantage of the day after sales and made a further investment in the time of good cheer.
Times have certainly changed since I was young. There are seven children in our family and none of us wanted to give up Santa so he came every year no matter how old we were. The last time I was thrilled by the surprise visit was when I was about 22 years old. We needed nothing more than a Christmas tree, a nativity, homemade treats and carols. Now Santa is everywhere, wood cut on the mantle, twinkling in the front yard, flying across the roof and all too often deflated without ever having done anything.
Gone are the days of the live nativity in the front yard, our mother finding yet another way to make her herd of children useful, and making our dad responsible for the sheep and cows she rounded up for her display and the traffic jam she created. Now there are Santa’s and reindeer and lights and stuff…everywhere, not always with rhyme and reason. Just stuff….no purpose.
We returned the following day by way of the back roads so my brother could show me the vineyards that now replace the wheat and pea fields that used to fill the landscape. He showed me a village built by a rancher for his seasonal crew that included an adobe mission style church, similar to what the Franciscan missionaries built when they came to tame the Wild West. Ours really is a culture of theater and pacification.
We drove through small towns where we used to go for ball games, the park on the Snake River where we used to go boating and passed by many things that I had forgotten.
We stopped to sample some wine and mentioned to the owner that our great grandfather was the first to plant grapes there in the late 1800’s. That was before it became fashionable to be a vintner. He most likely planted them because he was homesick for Italy and the culture that he knew. They froze in 1955. Anyway, that was a long time ago and this wine maker couldn’t relate to such an historical event. He was from California and his is a commercial enterprise, as if the wheel had just been invented.
After driving all over the place and seeing houses, wineries, shopping malls and box stores where there was nothing but open space before, we stopped at last at our parents’ house. My nephew and his soon to be bride were there. I had noticed the evening before that her entire back is tattooed. When I asked my brother where these kids get the money for the extravagance of defacing their own body, he told me that small tattoos’ only cost $100. Money lost its value way before we noticed. Subsidizing parents adopted “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” way before the government did. No one batted an eye. After some small talk it was time to go.
As we were saying our good byes my mother told me in her own nonchalant way that although they understood that it had to be difficult for me to be there, it was worse for them having me. We all took her comments in stride as if they were terms of endearment, which to her they might have been. My dad, as was his habit, did not react to her remarks and just went about his business as he followed us out the door. As we were driving out, I asked my brother what dad was doing and he replied “it’s Monday, he’s taking the trash to the front”. Cane in one hand, garbage can in the other he was heading towards the street as he followed us out. As the daylight was dimming, there was melancholy in the air.
As we were leaving, we were observing a routine take back its now usual place, the good cheer of the holiday forgotten as if it were some sort of imposed time out. You could almost feel the cover of a book gently being closed.
It has been a while since we celebrated a baby’s birth and having been good all year. We used to say Merry Christmas and now not to be offensive it is simply the emptiness of Happy Holidays. It was sad to recognize the passing of time and the lost comfort of tradition and the simple things that gave us joy.
For the many changes I witnessed, there are some things that will remain as they have always been, ever oblivious to the passing of time.
Dum differtur, vita trancurrit – Seneca
My siblings and I in our front yard every evening the week before Christmas with the sheep Pete and Gladys
Set Display by Dad, Costumes and PR by Mom’s Real Life Theater
Tags: Christmas, home for Christmas, memories, Nativity, Santa Clause